That wasn't cathartic at all. I'm going back to a notebook. It felt better.

Hi.

For whatever reason, I decided to go through this and read it. Ha. Ha. Ha. I love when my life takes drastic changes and I hate the fact that there's still the same stupid ass shit I carry with me.

The funny thing is how many different secrets are encoded into this blogspot thingy, it's amusing but also really frightening. The weird thing these days is that I have no more secrets to keep. As the lady said in Titanic, "A woman's heart is a deep ocean full of secrets" or whatever the fuck the quote was. Aka yeah I don't tell my parents the things I do. But there's no reason to keep secrets anymore. I don't think that's part of growing up because I know far too many grown ass men and women who have kept some horrible secrets.

But, whatever.

Still truckin', still working, and Imma just keep swimming.

I've felt so loved the last few days-- which is odd cause you know me, I'm convinced the world's against me and everyone despises me for some reason or another. I'm just gonna keep living this dream until I wake up... Which will probably happen in a few weeks... Like when I get my dentist bill and have to pay it... Or when classes start and I start panicking because that's what I'm really good at doing.

It may just be my delusional personality but I have a feeling that no matter what, everything is going to be okay and it'll all work itself out... But not by itself. I need to coax it in that direction and keep pushing it so it doesn't completely ruin me. Little by little it's all being fixed, cleaned, polished and pieced back together. Let's see if I can keep it up. I'm not that stupid, am I ?

it's a blonde thing... you wouldn't understand.

I'm happier than I've been since I can remember. Yeah sure, there's been some good times during the last three years but these are the first days that I'm waking up genuinely happy. Not healthy, but happy at least -- baby steps, please.

So the Orlando endeavour lasted all of a month. Thank god for underage drinking I guess, eh? Not gonna lie, I miss it, I'd still be there right now, probably writing about some asshole who ran across Main St. USA or the kid I whacked in the head with my wand.

I made a promise. I went back and visited and it was too nostolgic for my own good... but at the same time it was something completely different. Something really fanfuckingtastic. So I tip my hat off to the mouse once again. You never disappoint me, buddy.

And I find myself once again in building 700 in suite #10; with bruises and bug bites and cuts and scrapes. Can't forget the splints, scripts, pills, and results.

If we can prolong the stitches and eliminate the pain I will be a happy happy child.

8 days until a really rad person's birthday. <3

17 days until I see the new abode and get my life planned out.

53 days until I leave your town again, and I'm over the ground that you've been spinning.

so this is love/ so this is love/

so this is what makes life divine/

i'm all aglow/ and now i know/

the key to all heaven is mine/

my heart has wings/ and I can fly/

i'll touch every star in the sky/

so this is the miracle that i've been dreaming of/

so this is love.

FLAUSAFTW

There's something really humbling about being in an aeroplane at 25,000 ft and seeing the curvature of the Earth as the sun rises over Manhattan.

This has been one of the longest days of my life. 24 hours ago I was balling my eyes out. Presently I'm sitting on a foreign bed surrounded by knicks and knacks from my past as well as new editions.

I have a new lanyard with about 7 new cards which will only be added to.

I used to shiver because of the weather -- now I shiver because of the air conditioning.

In the words of George Harrison, "I dig love". And I'm not coming home. I'm sure my mind will drastically change in a few hours/days/weeks. I have the east side of Manhattan starring at me from across the room. My precious city is waiting for me. I'll be home soon, sweetheart. The homoerotic greek men on my tapestry are back for round two. They're looking over my shoulder as I write this. Thank god I packed my tattoos.

I really need to sleep. I have buses to catch and mice to meet. My stats homework is done -- therefore I'm free to dick around until I pass the fuck out. By the way -- do you think he can hear this song?

Goodnight cha'll. It's time to calm youselves.

Five. Cinque. Cinq. Vijf. Pende. Cinco. Fem. Fünf.

"each day I find five or more things to be grateful for":

1. i am grateful for yesterdays, even if they weren't so rad at times.
2. i am grateful for today; gotta live it up.
3. i'm grateful for tomorrow, it continuously presents itself with the everlasting promise of potential.
4. i'm grateful for all those who've come into my life and have impacted me, those who have taught me, those who have left, those who have made me stronger, and those who i've yet to meet. you're all amazing people.
5. i'm grateful to be surrounded by love, constantly, even if it isn't always expressed and/or reciprocated.

Superior Leadership Skills.

Today I had to say goodbye to my doctors. I have a couple more days of actual work left but today marked the last day I would see my MD buds before embarking on my version of a "Magical Mystery Tour" so to speak. It was easy not to get emotional. I just want out.

I also paid a visit to EHS this morning. My old guidance counselor didn't remember me and looked more like a zombie then ever - if that's even freakin' possible. I dropped off the form for a letter to a man I've seen a million times and somehow always looks different. The beards back, y'all; it's got a salt 'n pepa flavour to it these days. Guess that's what 40 does to a guy, huh? I got three calls after dropping off the envelope. Why San Diego? What'd you get on Physics B? What happened with physics at NYU. I got to hear a little sampling of the letter. Oh it's sweet. And I am eternally grateful for this. You better believe someone is getting something if I get in. Thank you, thank you, and thank you again.

After departing with beads of sweat running down my forehead (that school has horrible temperature regulation issues- then again they always did) the golden eagle and I stopped at home. I ate some tacos (yes, it was 9am) and watched two episodes of Match Game WITHOUT Richard Dawson. Way to break my heart, GSN. I also got a letter from my bud and employer, SVH. I guess he didn't realize it was his job to mail it, because it's sealed in my possession. Again, if I get in, biggest thanks goes out there.

I spent an hour and a half in Walgreens today. Do not ask me why. I have no idea. All I know is that Ricky is guarding sacred items and I spent like $50. Granted, it wasn't as epic as past trips to WalFail but epic nonetheless.

And now it's after midnight and I need to be back at work in approximately seven hours. I could fall asleep. I don't want to. There's too much potential buzzing around; on my phone, on this computer. I'm afraid I might miss something. That's my problem. I always think I'll miss something and then the only thing I end up missing is sleep and class. I shouldn't worry about this kind of thing so much. I should focus on the little things in life...

Like how "afternoon delight" is stuck in my head

or how beds have had the trait of "lonely" for the last few days

or how I will have a cuddle buddy Thursday night and that makes me extremely happy.

Positivity, my friends, is the key to opening your mind to happiness. The moment a negative thought or action crosses that particular synapse, it's all gone. No more negative thoughts. Formulate them in a way where they are difficult to be manipulated in a negative manner. If they come with a negative connotation to begin with, transform them into what they ought to be so you can be who you ought to be.

i'm tainted goods. ---> i live with no regrets.

i want to fix this. ---> i'm happier than ever.

i don't want to leave. ---> it's a new start; a new me.

one of the most adventurous things left us is to go to bed.

for no one can lay a hand on our dreams.

~e.v. lucas

4am is an appropriate time for blueberries.

It's four o'clock in the morning. I still can't sleep. I'm going to start packing tomorrow whenever I get up. Tinkerbell is going home. It's not Cali sun, but it's sun nonetheless.

And I'm waiting for that call I'll never get. And I'm waiting for that text that'll never come. I'm done waiting. The tie is going in a box. For ten years. Or at least for as long as I'm away. It's the only thing I know to do at this point.

So, I'll eat my blueberries. And the only thing I will wait for is tomorrow so Astor Place Music Scene & I can dance to Passion Pit and Two Spot Gobi while I feed the red monsters and the cardboard whores.

Abe, Jason, Peyton, and Woody... Back in your boxes. We're peacing out.